Good days and bad days. That is what she tells everyone who asks how she is. And there is truth in it. The days seem to fill themselves with things to do, but it is the nights that haunt her. Even the warmed milk with honey does not seem to do its' job. She finds herself laying on her back in her furs, staring up at the smoke hole in the wagon cover, going over things in her mind.
She had enjoyed her visit with Birrma, and meeting Aamon. And she truly loved that last glance she got of them, and the love that passed between them. What is it about a simple kiss between two people that share a full life, that is so beautiful? Is she the only one that thinks that way? Some day she will have to ask others.
The harder part of her day had come later in the evening as she sat on the platform with Tug, looking out over the wagons. He seemed confused. For some reason, he thought their little walk today was to see his Poppa Loch, and he was disappointed. How do you explain this to one so young? What words do you use? She tried to explain it as simply as she could, that Lochlan had fought a great battle to protect them. That he had fought fiercely and with great honor, but had been felled by a cowardly Kassar, as he saved the life of another warrior. She told him that they could be very proud of Poppa Loch, just like they were very proud of Poppa Tayco. But the skies had called Loch to patrol them, alongside Tayco, and that both of them were in the skies, keeping watch over them. He seemed to ponder this in a serious manner that was far beyond him four turnings. This bothered her. So young, and he had suffered so much loss already.
That dark little head tilted back to lay on her breast as the eyes searched the stars. He finally lifted a hand to point as to which star was Tayco, and to which one was Lochlan. She was glad his back was to her, so that he would not see the mist of tears in her eyes. She tried so hard to not cry in front of him. He snuggled in and asked her if they were alone now. Quickly she tried to brush this thought from his little mind, reminding him that they had family and they had their tribe, and they would never truly be alone. This seemed to appease him and he relaxed and was soon asleep, sitting there on her lap. Carefully she lifted him up and carried him inside to his sleeping furs to put him down. For a long time she just sat watching him, the ache in her heart throbbing.
Leaving him to be watched over by Rook and the slaves, she made her way to the fires, finding Tarra there. The woman always amazed her. Her calm, her strength, her entire manner. As they talked, they were joined by Silken, who seemed to want to apologize for missing Loch's pyre. There were many who missed the pyre, but Silken had actually been the one that surprised her the most. The woman had her reasons, but she was still a bit hurt by it. It was Tarra that was the most vocal about it, and she allowed her to handle the situation.
The moment passed, and somehow the conversation turned to matings, and her mating again. She voice her feelings in thinking she would not do it for the third time, and they both found that funny in a way. Talk turned for a time to them, their mates, and never saying never. She absorbed all of this, tucking it away to think about. Putting it with some others things she had been told within the past couple of days. Things and emotions that actually had her heart and mind confused. It was just all too soon. The wounds were too fresh, but she was beginning to have hope that they would heal.
Now here she was, laying in her furs, staring up at that smoke hole, thinking about hope. Was it wrong of her to hope. To hope that her heart would heal, and that she could live again? Closing her eyes, something came to her. Hope was a tree that managed to spring up and thrive in a place where it shouldn't. It was seeing the first blossoms of spring begin to show their faces to the rays of the Central Fire. Hope was the half-blind kaiila surviving in a harsh would where it should not have lived.
Hope was life. Hope was composed of faith and trust. All she had to do now was find that faith and trust deep within her, and use it to crawl out of this abyss she seemed to be sinking into. She would have to use her reserves of strength to reach out and grasp a hold on the roots of the tree of hope, to turn her face up towards the warm rays to be warmed, to survive. To live.
She had enjoyed her visit with Birrma, and meeting Aamon. And she truly loved that last glance she got of them, and the love that passed between them. What is it about a simple kiss between two people that share a full life, that is so beautiful? Is she the only one that thinks that way? Some day she will have to ask others.
The harder part of her day had come later in the evening as she sat on the platform with Tug, looking out over the wagons. He seemed confused. For some reason, he thought their little walk today was to see his Poppa Loch, and he was disappointed. How do you explain this to one so young? What words do you use? She tried to explain it as simply as she could, that Lochlan had fought a great battle to protect them. That he had fought fiercely and with great honor, but had been felled by a cowardly Kassar, as he saved the life of another warrior. She told him that they could be very proud of Poppa Loch, just like they were very proud of Poppa Tayco. But the skies had called Loch to patrol them, alongside Tayco, and that both of them were in the skies, keeping watch over them. He seemed to ponder this in a serious manner that was far beyond him four turnings. This bothered her. So young, and he had suffered so much loss already.
That dark little head tilted back to lay on her breast as the eyes searched the stars. He finally lifted a hand to point as to which star was Tayco, and to which one was Lochlan. She was glad his back was to her, so that he would not see the mist of tears in her eyes. She tried so hard to not cry in front of him. He snuggled in and asked her if they were alone now. Quickly she tried to brush this thought from his little mind, reminding him that they had family and they had their tribe, and they would never truly be alone. This seemed to appease him and he relaxed and was soon asleep, sitting there on her lap. Carefully she lifted him up and carried him inside to his sleeping furs to put him down. For a long time she just sat watching him, the ache in her heart throbbing.
Leaving him to be watched over by Rook and the slaves, she made her way to the fires, finding Tarra there. The woman always amazed her. Her calm, her strength, her entire manner. As they talked, they were joined by Silken, who seemed to want to apologize for missing Loch's pyre. There were many who missed the pyre, but Silken had actually been the one that surprised her the most. The woman had her reasons, but she was still a bit hurt by it. It was Tarra that was the most vocal about it, and she allowed her to handle the situation.
The moment passed, and somehow the conversation turned to matings, and her mating again. She voice her feelings in thinking she would not do it for the third time, and they both found that funny in a way. Talk turned for a time to them, their mates, and never saying never. She absorbed all of this, tucking it away to think about. Putting it with some others things she had been told within the past couple of days. Things and emotions that actually had her heart and mind confused. It was just all too soon. The wounds were too fresh, but she was beginning to have hope that they would heal.
Now here she was, laying in her furs, staring up at that smoke hole, thinking about hope. Was it wrong of her to hope. To hope that her heart would heal, and that she could live again? Closing her eyes, something came to her. Hope was a tree that managed to spring up and thrive in a place where it shouldn't. It was seeing the first blossoms of spring begin to show their faces to the rays of the Central Fire. Hope was the half-blind kaiila surviving in a harsh would where it should not have lived.
Hope was life. Hope was composed of faith and trust. All she had to do now was find that faith and trust deep within her, and use it to crawl out of this abyss she seemed to be sinking into. She would have to use her reserves of strength to reach out and grasp a hold on the roots of the tree of hope, to turn her face up towards the warm rays to be warmed, to survive. To live.
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