The pains in her back had started up during the night, pulling her from an exhausted sleep. They were not steady, but they were there and she knew they were not the pains of back strain, but something else all together. The girl kasra came in with her morning tea, and she struggled to sit up and sip from the mug. She had cautioned her to stay near this day, and to have juneau keep an eye on Tug. The girls eyes had widened as she bobbed her head and asked is she needed to run for a healer. Patting her cheek, her head had shook as she told her no, that it was too soon yet. She then bid her to go and do her chores and help the others get the wagons settled. There was reluctance in the girls movements as she crawled out of the wagon, taking more than one look back at her mistress. But she did as told.
Struggling to her feet, she had fussed around, taking down the basket, filling it with furs and blankets. Taking out the small dagger, a finger had run along it's edge, then she had stepped out onto the platform, spied Rook and handed it to him asking for him to sharpen it. Pocketing it he had nodded and told her he would do it this night as they sat at the fires. She had told him ........No. Now. One grizzled brow had lifted, then he nodded and walked away. She had stepped back inside, dressed then spent time braiding her hair, humming softly to herself, then there was a sharp intake of breath as another pain ran through her body. Exhaling softly, she had caressed her belly and whispered.........Patience little one, patience.
When Rook returned he had tapped on the frame that surrounded the flaps, and she told him to enter. Stepping in, he handed her the dagger and asked if he should send for the healer. The dark head again shook slowly as she told him no, that it would be many ahn yet. For the first time since she had known him, the man looked nervous. Reaching to take his hand, she had pulled up, placed a kiss to those many scars and told him to go, that she was fine. Again she saw that reluctance as he left. Skies! Right now, she just wanted to be left alone, why could they not understand this? It was not like she had not done this before.
It had been a very long time since she had pulled the worn book from its' hiding place, but today she did. Opening the flaps on both ends of her wagon to allow the warm breeze to blow through, she settled down to write.
"Much has happened in my life, some of it hard to understand and to explain. Lochlan is gone, and I miss him. I am not sure that any know that I will always carry a part of him in my heart, just as I still carry Tayco there. They will always be the better part of me, the memories that help to make me who I am, the strength that I draw upon daily. They both taught me of love and of myself.
And now there is another. What can I say about him? He is arrogant, brash, self-centered, funny, strong and talented. He is a singer of beautiful songs, a player of drums, a warrior, a man. I think what I see in him, is in his eyes. He teases, he harasses, he actually wants to see all women naked. But when he looks at me, I see something different in those eyes. I see the stability of love, I see that look that says he wishes to protect me, to cherish me, to share his life with me. I do not know what others see in him, but I see love and devotion, and what more could a woman ask for? I know that he lusts for another, he has told me this, and I accept it. There is a difference between lust and love. Does it make me happy? No it does not, but I cannot change that. I have been in a similar situation before, and I have handled this one just like I did the other. I was me. I did not try to become what I thought he wanted, I remained true to myself. And I believe he saw this.
From what I gathered, he has made an offer to Trilok, and it has been accepted and paid. Now comes the waiting, which I do not think he does all that well. I think he would have claimed me right there by the river, with the moons shining down on us and the stars as a background, but I had to explain to him that I could not give of myself fully, as a woman wishes to do to a man on the night that she becomes his. I think that stunned him. I find it hard to believe that a man who has eight brothers, did not have a clue about such things.
He sent me away. He will never know how hard it was for me to walk away and leave him standing there beside the river. He will never know how it pained me.
But I cannot dwell on this right now. I have a child to give birth to, and from the pains that I am feeling, it will be soon. That is my priority. What happens after that, only the skies know."
Closing the journal, fingers caress over the worn leather cover, and she secrets away. There is a sudden overwhelming need to see the skies, to feel the soft winds on her face. Moving out onto the platform, Rook helps her down, and follows her, watching closely. If he had his way, she would be in her furs waiting, but he did not think she would be very receptive to that, so she is allowed to walk slowly down to the banks of the river.
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