The tears had finally given over to sleep, which is funny considering that she had been asleep for days, from what she was told. But this slumber was different, it was peaceful with no dreams. At this point, she hopes she never dreams again.
When she did wake up, she just lay there for a time her eyes darting around the familiar surroundings. Thoughts of the previous evening had crowded in on her, but she pushed them away for now, unable to deal with them. Her eyes finally landed upon the crude pot that held the single stalk, that rose gracefully up to the flower. Along side it were the six blades of grass. Could those blades be any more perfect in their composition? Reaching out, her fingers brush over the flower, and tears come to her eyes. How symbolic it all was, was not lost on her, and it brought new aches to her heart.
Her attention turns to the small body tucked in beside hers. Her hand again moves to lay on Also's back, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breathing. Life. He was an example that there was life, and that it continued on even in the face of death.
Turning over, she thinks of the children. She has to pull herself together, so that she can tell the children that their Father would not be returning to them. The girls are so young, their memories of him will be faint, if they have any at all. They boys would be different, and she knew they would take it hard.
When she heard them whispering outside the wagons, asking where Rook was, wanting to know how their mother was, she managed to pull herself up out of the furs, stumbling slightly, unaware of just how weak her body was. Getting her feet beneath her, she straightened her tunic, and ran a hand through her hair. She realized that Also was sitting up, his solemn expression haunting her.
Sitting down beside him, she was unsure of just how much he was aware of. Fingers stroke his cheek, as she asks him if he understands what happened. Nodding, his eyes never left her face as he said simply. "Father is dead" Oh, how that wrenched at her heart. Gathering him into her arms, maybe more for her comfort than his, she just held him, then whispered that she needed to tell his brothers and sisters.
He was very matter of fact when he spoke. "They know." How could they know, they were not there? " We just do. " It was Also, that slid off of the sleeping platform to open the flaps of the flaps to allow his siblings in. Tug came in, looking so much older, carrying his sisters, followed by Another One, then Two. For a moment they all just stood inside, looking at her, but it was the girls that struggled to get down and toddled over to crawl into her lap, snuggling up against her breast.
Her arms enveloped them as she fought back the tears, her lips kissing first one dark head then the other. Two approached next, and crawling up to kneel beside her, laying his head on her shoulder. The words would not come to her, or if they did they stuck in her throat. Another One approached shyly, sat on the furs and lay his hand on her shoulder. She could tell that he was struggling, but remaining strong.
She looked over their heads to Tug, who stood by the platform. When did he grow so? When did he develop that stubborn set to his jaw, just like Tayco? When did he become the strong one? Reaching our her hand, he took it and she drew him closer, so that she could lean between his sisters to place a kiss to his forehead.
Drawing in a deep breath, she begins to speak to them, only to have Tug hold his hand up to still her words. "Mother, he has been gone a long time, we have felt he was not coming back." Stopping mid-sentence she looked around to her sons, marveling at how strong they were. And in each one of them, she can see qualities of their fathers, small things that keep her memories of the men alive. Tears threatened in those dark eyes, and she was sure they would be shed soon. But right now, she realized they were all being strong. Maybe for each other, but also for her. The pride that swelled in her breast was overwhelming. She was truly blessed.
Tug gave a nod, and Another and Also reached to take the girls from her. Two leaned to kiss her cheek, and hugged her so tightly. It was Tug that told her that they all needed their morning meal, and then he would see that the slaves would tend to the girls so that she could rest. His eyes narrowed on her. "And you will rest Mother, there will be time for talking and such later."
Perhaps it was because she was so tired, or maybe because she needed the time to deal with her own emotions before she could deal with theirs, but she did not argue. Again she marveled at how he had grown, maybe too soon, but there was nothing to be done about that now. The children were ushered, through the flaps and she fell back onto the furs, a hand going to lay over her breast where the pain seemed to center.
There is a flash of light as Also slips back through the flaps with a mug of tea in his hand. He does not give it to her, but sets it beside the pot that held the flower, then sat down on the edge of the platform. The small hand reaches to take hers, but at first he says nothing. Sometimes he is just too somber, his gaze too wise, too knowing. He had always been that way, and maybe that was why Ba'atar loved him, but didn't understand him. He had such dreams invested in his first son, but it was evident early on, that Also was not going to conform to them, which caused a distance between them. When the man/child begins to speak, there were not wasted superfluous words.
"You will rest, get your strength back. Then, you will work on remembering who you are, who you want to be Cana." Did her son just call her by her given name, and not Mother? She did not even have a chance to tag him on it, because he got up and left. Left her with more to think on.
Turning over, her cheeks rest on her hands as she stares at the vase that holds the blue flowers and the seemingly perfect blades of grass. He has sent back the one thing to her, that she would understand. She was blessed, she was strong, she was surrounded by the perfection of her children. It was up to her now, to take all of this, and make a life. To find who she was, and to go from there.
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