Yes she had cried, what woman wouldn't? But she had done it in private, not subjecting anyone else to her emotions. That is just how she is. She kept much inside, that most did not know about, and she liked it that way.
Finding a fairly dry boulder along the bank of the stream she had pulled herself up to sit on it, drinking her tea and staring out over the water, lost in her thoughts and trying to put her emotions in order. The steps that came up beside her were familiar, as was the jingle of the spurs he had tied to his belt. Still looking out over the water she managed to tease and tell him that if he was of a mind to sneak up on someone tonight, he would need to do a better job.
Scooting over she made room for him on the boulder, but did not turn her head to look at him. Right now it was best that she keep her reddened eyes elsewhere. The talk between them was comfortable, as it always had been. For some reason there had never seemed to be any barriers between them, just an ease of communication that she enjoyed, and thought he did too.
He is not exactly what most would call a people person, not that he was rude, but she could always sense when people were getting on his nerves, or when he just wanted to be away from them. She did that herself at times. She did tell him that she envied men because when they had, had enough they could ride out into the herds and find solitude. He asked if that was not what she did with the kaiila, and she had to agree. She has always preferred the company of the kaiila to people most of the time. If you have a kaiila, that is yours, the beast is loyal, faithful, always glad to see you. It will lay down it's life to protect and save you, and in the instance of a war kaiila, it will take a lance before it will allow its' rider to. Yes, she found the kaiila preferable to people at times.
They talked of his time as Ubar, of the demands that were put on him, and he told her that he could see that she and Ba'atar were much better at it. She did it because she felt it was her duty as the mate to the man that sat the grays, and she thinks that Ba'atar is good at it, because he enjoys the attention, that makes a difference. Being the mate of the Ubar has gone a long way towards pulling her out of the shell she once lived in, but she did tell him there were times when she longed to crawl back into it. He could not exactly see that happening. He did say something that maybe she needed, and that maybe he knew that she needed. He said she was a Tuchuk woman, and in being that, she was priceless. Now this was not something she had given much thought to, but she would.
He said something else surprising to her. He said that watching her gave him a little bit of faith that one could recover from a loss, move on and find someone again. His observation made her laugh softly. What else was one to do, curl up and die?
They had never talked about T'zuri and her leaving. She knew him well enough to know when he wanted to speak of it, he would. Tonight was that night, and they talked about it. She told him that she knew of the pain he felt, how it was more than emotional, how it became physical and you were not sure you would survive it. But she also told him that you did. That after a time, it would lessen, never quite go away, but it would lessen to the point that you could move on. He almost seemed relieved to hear that, maybe he had been having doubts about that, and if she eased those doubts only for a few moments, this conversation was worth it.
They even touched on the fact that in your memory, the person you had lost became more than human, more than what they were, they became perfect. Now, somewhere in your mind, you know that this is not the truth, but just for a brief time, it does happen that you do not remember the faults that they had, but she does assure him, that the time will come when he will put the woman back into perspective, just as she has done with Tayco, and with Lochlan.
Suddenly he switched directions, taking the conversation to another subject that he had to have known was eating on her, even if she did not voice it. "Cana .. a man can not forget a woman that has born him a child .. it is just not in him to do. No matter what interesting, sparkling treasure might happen along .. it is nothing compared to the mother of his children."
Her head turns to look at him, and she smiles. "Is that your subtle way of telling me to bide my time, that it is not so bad?"
His gaze narrowed slightly. I will not tell you what I think .. you do not want to hear that. What I will tell you is that .. I know men, most of them anyway...and I know that there is nothing that can compare to a woman who gives a man his future.
Her gaze travels again to the water. " I know that Ba'atar loves me, I just don't think I interest him quite as much anymore. He does see me as a means to his future, to his legacy, but there are just times when I feel like I bore him."
"He will only find that other women can not compare to you .. and it might take a little time but ... I have no doubt that he will find it to be so."
Maybe this is what she needed. Something to hold on to, to give her the strength to face what was before her. When he left, she sat thinking for a long time about what a good friend he was, and how this was not the first time that he has helped her to put things in perspective. That is what she needed right now, perspective. Now, had she been a man, she might have looked up and given a prayer of thanks to the Sky for sending him to talk to her. But she is not a man, so she did not pray, she simply had those thoughts of gratitude in her mind as she made her way back to her wagons.
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